Bike Lane Parking!
by Fortune Maiden
Summary: …Or don't leave your car on a bike lane for some crazy Polish valley boy to run over with a tank.


**I saw this on the news and couldn't resist ^^"**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia and technically the idea isn't mine since you can read about it in the world news section of a tabloid, but the story is 100% mine!**

* * *

><p><strong>Bike Lane Parking!<strong>

**…Or don't leave your car on a bike lane for some crazy Polish valley boy to run over with a tank ^^**

"Po~land," Lithuania whined, a sinking feeling knotting his stomach; "Maybe we shouldn't do this!" Thanks to his friend's latest scheme, Lithuania somehow found himself on the streets on Vilnius in the driver's seat of a tank, watching with dread as Poland gave a very familiar looking illegally parked black Volga the evil eye as he shuffled around the tiny cramped cockpit checking to make sure all of the tank's functions were functional.

"Like, what are you talking about Liet? We totally have to do this!" Poland exclaimed with a bright smile, taking his seat, where he would man the tank's turret. "That _głupiec _like, left his car right in the middle of a bike lane! He deserves to be punished!" He started eyeing the buttons that fired the turrets. Lithuania winced and looked over to the shiny offending vehicle.

The poor unsuspecting car, whose driver made the horrible mistake of parking smack in the middle of a bike lane, really didn't deserve the fate Poland was planning for it. It was a new model too! Surely it was much easier to just slap the car with a huge fine and tow it to a lot for the owner to pick up later! There was no need for _these_ extremes! Lithuania tried to point this out to Poland, but the Pole just waved his arm and told Lithuania to shut up and drive.

Lithuania gripped the steering wheel and shifted himself in his seat, positioning his foot on the gas. All he had to do was press it. The tank would start moving in a straight path. It would continue moving in the straight path, until it was all over. Lithuania could close his eyes. He wouldn't have to watch the horrible chain of events unfold. Yes, all he had to do was—

"Liet, could you hurry up and like push the gas already?" Poland asked impatiently, twirling a strand of blonde hair in his fingers.

"Can you remind me why we're doing this again?"

"Because Sweden asked us to for one of his TV show thingies."

"And we agreed because…"

"He gave us a really huge advance and I, like, spent most of it already." Lithuania shot Poland a horrified look. This was the first he'd heard of such an advance. All he knew was that Sweden had a show called "99 Things to do before you die" and _this_ happened to be one of the "Things" for some bizarre reason. Poland had very briefly told him about the show before dragging Lithuania out of his house and into a tank and drove it to a very particular street where an illegally parked car conveniently rested. Lithuania didn't have time to ask questions then but now some very vocal ones screamed in his head.

Why did Sweden need _them_ to do this stunt? And if this was a stunt, then was the car a prop? Was Lithuania really not going to get killed by the owner of the car for this? And how much was that advance exactly?

"Can we, like, drive already? I do have better things to do than sit in a smelly tank," Poland remarked rotating the turret so that it pointed directly at the car.

"Is that thing loaded?" Lithuania asked nervously. Driving a tank was one thing but there was no way he was going to let Poland start a fire on _his_ streets.

"Nah, Sweden's like, too cheap to loan me a loaded tank," there was a slight huff in the blonde's voice but Lithuania chose to ignore it. He made a mental note to thank Sweden for that one. Poland and weapons were not a pleasant combination. Lithuania knew. They _had_ been married for some centuries. "Now let's do this thing!"

Lithuania nodded and gently pushed the pedal with the force of feather. The tank started roaring like a lion and pushing forward like a snail. Poland was not amused. "Liet~" he growled in warning.

"Sorry but that's as far as the pedal will go!" It had been a long time since Lithuania handled a weapon, let alone a tank. He really didn't have the freakish strength he once had anymore. Poland scowled and slouched back in his seat arms crossed. The tank continued at it's snail pace. It would be a looooong time before it got anywhere near the car. Hopefully Poland would get bored and abandon this ridiculous plan by then.

But then, with no warning, Poland suddenly lunged forward grabbing Lithuania's shoulder and roaring like a dragon. Startled, Lithuania suddenly rediscovered the strength he was trying to hide and accidentally hit the pedal with full force. The tank roared even louder (like Thor!) and dashed off with all the poise and grace a huge armored vehicle could possess! (Basically it just rolled in a straight line, making a lot of noise and shaking the nations inside)

Poland just sat in his seat laughing like an evil overlord as the tank tilted to the left sharply. Lithuania gripped the steering wheel, frozen in fear. He couldn't remove his foot of the pedal if he tried. "It'sjustapropIt'sjustapropIt'sjustaprop!" he muttered to himself maniacally. The tank just roared in satisfaction as it rolled over the offensive Volga crushing the poor, black (and very familiar!) car inward. As it rolled past, the tank straightened itself out again, and then continued moving forward as Lithuania had not removed his foot from the pedal yet. He was frozen in shock, for you see, as he got closer to the car, it started to look just a little _too _familiar. His stomachache worsened tenfold. He knew that car! It was—

"Liet, we're, like, done now! Stop the tank!" Poland commanded, shaking his friend excitedly. Lithuania quickly snapped out of his horrified "I'm a dead nation" trance and removed his foot, stopping the giant vehicle almost instantly. Poland then threw the door out of the tank open and climbed out excitedly. "Liet! Come, look at this!" the Pole yelled enthusiastically.

Lithuania climbed out of the tank and jumped down beside a smiling Poland who admired their handiwork. When Lithuania saw the car though, he paled. If one were to imagine Lithuania's face, one would have to imagine a teenager booting up her eight year old computer containing every mp3, doc, avi, etc file she ever had and getting the blue screen of death. Lithuania's face was that multiplied by about a hundred.

The shiny black Volga (which was no longer shiny) was totaled. It sat in the same illegal bike path it was in before, only now it was folded inward and completely unrecognizable. Glass shards were strewn all over the otherwise empty street.

"P-Poland," Lithuania whimpered. He had to voice his concern now. He had to make sure that this really was a prop car and not the shiny black Volga that—

"Not now Liet!" Poland snapped looking around carefully. "Now we have to wait for the owner of the car to come out and see our handiwork."

"The owner!" Lithuania squeaked. His stomach groaned in protest. The owner was the last person he wanted to see if his growing suspicion was correct.

Poland just nodded. "Yeah. Sweden told me that after we run the car over, the owner comes out, we tell him "Park Legally" like total badasses, and then drive away on bikes! By the way…" Poland looked around the street, "Do you see any bikes around here? Sweden said they'd be like, by the tree!"

And then there was a scream. A very high pitched horrified scream, followed by bitter sobs and…*boings*? Lithuania wanted to crawl under a rock. He knew it. They were dead! That car was—

"Huh?" Poland was taken aback by this. He turned to see a sobbing Ukraine on her knees in front of the car, with a tall nation in a long coat and scarf standing beside her. The tall nation was emitting a violent purple aura. He was, very obviously, not happy.

"R-Russia!" Poland exclaimed losing several shades of color himself. This wasn't in the script! Why the hell was Russia…Poland turned to the thrashed car, realization sinking in. Oh Crap.

"Poland. Lithuania." Russia turned to the two nations, eyes cold and usual smile missing, "What happened to my car?" Clearly he knew the answer. He wasn't smiling. They were dead nations!

"I-I can explain," Poland stammered before yelling out, "THIS IS ALL SWEDEN'S FAULT!"

"Wha's ma fault?" And as if right on cue, Sweden suddenly appeared from around the corner, with Denmark behind him holding a camcorder. They both took one look at the totaled car before letting their mouths fall open. For a moment, there was nothing to say.

"Dude. You thrashed Russia's car…" Denmark broke the silence; stating the one thing Lithuania had been dreading for some time now. It was official. He was so dead.

As Denmark struggled to keep a straight face at the situation (as clearly, he knew something the others didn't) Sweden genuinely glared at Poland who squeaked in fear and ducked behind Lithuania, who was trembling himself. "What. Happened." Sweden demanded coldly.

"I-we-you-me," Lithuania babbled incoherently feeling his knees buckle. Great! There were two scary nations wanting to kill him. Well if he had to choose, death by Sweden sounded more pleasant.

"We were just doing your stunt!" Poland suddenly stated, eyes narrow, "You paid us to drive a tank over a car parked illegally on a bike lane! How were we supposed to know it was Russia's car!"

"You paid Poland to destroy my car, Sweden?" Russia asked, his creepy smile returning, "That wasn't very nice."

"No." Sweden stated simply, preparing for the oncoming headache, "I paid Polan' t' destroy the car 'n the _next_ street."

"HUH?" Poland gave the large Swede a confused look. "No, no, no! You said to destroy the illegally parked car. That—" he pointed to the Volga, by which Ukraine still sat sobbing, "is an illegally parked car."

"Dude, we told you this was for a show," Denmark piped up, and held up his camcorder, "Don't you think there would be cameras around to film you destroy the car?" Poland pursed his lips thinking this over. Lithuania suddenly found the hard sturdy wall of the tank to be very inviting.

"…In this day and age I figured you guys were going for a more, like…" he searched for the word, "Hidden camera approach. Yaknow, make it seem authentic."

"Well you can't get more authentic than this," Denmark mused in agreement, "Damn; I wish I could have recorded this!" Ukraine sobbed louder, Russia directed his aura at Denmark and Sweden just smack him upside the head with his elbow.

"…It's totally not Liet's or my fault!" Poland felt the need to add that at that point. This reminded Russia of who was driving the tank.

"_Нет __Польша_," Russia said sweetly, "It was you who set sweet Lithuania up to destroy my car. And you, _Швеция_," Sweden tensed ever so slightly, "who gave him the evil tank. You guys are meanies. Do you know how we deal with meanies like you?" Russia's aura increased as his smile vanished. "Belarus."

Like a ninja, the young lady suddenly appeared behind her brother, radiating a deathly aura of her own. Lithuania perked up slightly at seeing his beloved but then quickly fell into despair again when he saw the knives she was holding. Sweden and Poland quickly joined in the despair. Neither of them was afraid of Russia. He talked creepily and radiated a creepy aura but he was more annoying than dangerous. _Belarus_, on the other hand…

"Deal with them." Russia commanded.

"Yes Brother." The devoted little sister lunged, sending Sweden and Poland running for the hills, metaphorically speaking. The latter was screaming out Polish swears too inappropriate to write down.

Denmark watched them run with unrestrained laughter while Lithuania just looked faint. Russia took this moment to approach the Baltic, aura gone, but creepy smile wide and cheery.

"Lithuania, please tell Poland I will be sending him the bill for car repairs, _да_." He placed his hand on Lithuania's shoulder and squeezed it none too gently. "And may I borrow the tank? It appears my car is no longer operational." Lithuania was a little too terrified at the time to protest. He wordlessly gave Russia the key, trembling wildly in the process. "Thank you, comrade." He then turned to his still crying sister.

"Ukraine? Don't cry anymore, big sister. Meanie Poland will fix the car, so all is good. Come, sweet Lithuania has lent us the tank." It was truly amazing at how quickly Ukraine's face lit up at the mention of the tank. Lithuania felt a bad omen. As bad as Poland was with a weapon, Ukraine was ten times worse. Her sweet tearful face was really masking a devil. As Lithuania watched Russia and Ukraine drive off in the tank, Lithuania figured he was going to hear reports of some bizarre tank related incidents and get lectured by his boss. If only Sweden and Poland weren't too busy playing tag with Belarus. They would have stopped him from giving Russia the key.

Denmark, meanwhile, had finally recovered from his hysterical laughing fit at Sweden's misfortune. He approached Lithuania wiping tears from his eyes. "Well…I think filming is done for the day, seeing as we have no tank…or director," he snorted, "_Sverige_'ll call you about any future plans, kay?" Lithuania nodded. That was a phone call he wasn't going to look forward to.

"Well I'd better go deal with the rest of the film crew…And tell everyone about how _Sverige_ ran screaming from a little girl. Later." Lithuania watched him leave, not bothering to point out that Poland was the one screaming and the Belarus was a _young lady_, not a "little girl". He was tired and he really needed something for his Poland induced stomachache. Lithuania walked back to his house at a very leisurely pace.

* * *

><p><em>A few days later…<em>

Two days had passed since the tank incident. Lithuania had heard that Belarus had chased Sweden and Poland all the way to Oslo where she was forced to turn back after a rather unhappy-to-see-her Norway sicced his troll on her. All nations were unharmed (Lithuania smiled. Belarus was such a nice girl.).

Sweden had not given up on shooting that particular scene for his show, though he was no longer having Poland drive the tank. (Lithuania heard that Poland had gotten a truly epic lecture from his boss regarding the bill for Russia's car. He was, among (many) other things, banned from all armored vehicles for the rest of the decade.)

Lithuania personally didn't really care for any further involvement with Sweden's show. Denmark had called him up excited earlier, eager to tell him about Poland's replacement, but Lithuania politely excused himself, not really interested (at all). He ignored Denmark's "I know something you don't" laugh when he hung up.

And then Poland called, shouting at Lithuania to turn on the news ASAP! Lithuania could only watch with what could be called weary horror as his boss gleefully manned the very tank Poland used on Russia's car, on a blue Mercedes. He suddenly wished he had let Denmark warn him about this. There was only so much excitement he could handle in one week!

"Yaknow, that car, like, looks very familiar," Poland remarked into the phone, "I think I've, like, seen it before."

"That's impossible Po," Lithuania rationed, "That's a prop car. Sweden supervised this take, so it's definitely a prop car!" Although now that Poland mentioned it, it did have a certain _blue_ to it…

"No, I really think that's Prussia's car." Poland mentioned innocently.

Lithuania would later discover that the car was indeed Prussia's when the ex-nation called him up to complain . How did _this_ mix-up happen? Well Vikings had a very twisted sense of humor…

* * *

><p><strong>No Nation's vehicles were actually harmed in the writing of this fic! The car really was a prop! Honest!<strong>

**Okay Learning time: On August 2nd the President of Lithuania gleefully ran over a car in a tank ^^ The car was parked illegally on a bike lane and he apparently takes this very seriously! Well, anyway, turns out this was a stunt commissioned by the Swedish show "99 Things to do before you die" ...I guess Sweden has a rather mischievous side no one knew about o.o (I'm totally googling this show now!) I watched the video several times o.o  
><strong>

**Watch the fun here: watch?v=V-fWN0FmcIU**

**Moral of this story: Do Not Park on Bike Lanes! And always check to make sure the cameras are present before driving your tank on an illegally parked car! **


End file.
